“I am going to take this bucket of water and pour it on the flames of hell, and then I am going to use this torch to burn down the gates of paradise so that people will not love God for want of heaven or fear of hell, but because He is God.”


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So I've been thinking- a lot, I think of why things happened, how it happened, the present, the past, the deja vu, the jamais vu, the presque vu, and some of the infinite possibilities for the future. Explains my sleepless nights, my absent appetite, my silent mouth and this weird emo vibe I have been radiating with for the past week.

And to conclude all of my thoughts, I think...things happen when they should when we do what we do best when we say 'I do' to weird stuff that might seem relevant at first, but ends up being totally irrelevant. What am I saying exactly? Is the irony of karma.

It makes perfect sense, what happened? Karma happened. The thing is, I'm a happy person, I have my happy moments, I randomly stop from walking just to look clearly at the sky- the clouds, I feel my spirit being lifted whenever I hear birds chirping, I feel so serene just being in the presence of such nature, and it doesn't stop there. I have these amazing people I can proudly call my friends that puts all the colours of the rainbow on my daily canvas, and I have a stress-free policy regarding study, I never put pressure on the things I do, because I do the things I love, and by putting it in a tight situation would probably change the way I feel about those stuff, so I study for the fun of it. And to top everything, I have amazing parents, the best, and a perfectly unique mix of siblings which just completes my life. I live a very happy, peaceful, tension-free life... and that might just be the problem.

There's probably something wrong with that degree of happiness, that I need to pay with a handful of sorrow. I somewhat believe in karma, that it gives a balance in one's life. If someone's being very very lucky today, he might be very very unlucky tomorrow. It's probably not the case of the universe, but by believing it, it's kind of a bit comforting to feel like I deserve this much pain, because I was so happy before.

I'm quite low profile, I avoid being too social, because I don't want to get tangled in weird complicated drama, I can't bear emotional stuff like that, it's hard on my digestion. When I was sick with the whole high profile boarding school status, I quit all that and settled down in a very remote quiet underrated school near my house, and for the first time since I turned into a teenage girl, I actually felt happiness. It wasn't the environment to be honest, it was probably the lifestyle. The walks, the talks, the smiles, the jokes, the tease, the craze, the stupidity, the silence. Everything's guilty pleasure. And I was happy ever since.

The last time I experience this much of jumbled emotions was probably when I was 14. It's quite an exaggeration to compare the situations, but the feelings the exact same. The thing is it wasn't just one emotion, it was a mixture of weird choices of emotions that somehow mashed up resulting to a very...weird aftermath of helplessly embarrassing moments of random stuff. I'm usually mind over matter, so when my emotions controlled my mind, it felt...like some wicked emo demon took over my soul. It was weird.


Now everything fine, not back to normal, heck, nothing can get back to normal after all that and I'm not expecting it too. Just...bearable, survivable, I con go through the day without an emotional breakdown, and hopefully things get better. There's just this great wall of awkwardness between us that we need to get rid of, and it needs time, so I'm counting on you, dear temporal dimension, do your thing and I can get back to my regular-always-sleepy-always-eating-always-joking-around-self.