So me and Shah were talking after Physics today, and the subject of 'the future' came up. Apparently, her friend who is currently doing engineering foundation at CFS, is planning to drop the course, and start a degree in Mass Comm in UPM. He's not even going to finish the course, he's just gonna slide into UPM and start that degree. These type of people fascinate me, I mean there's this flow, and people tend to follow it, like fishes following the sea's current, but the difference is, we have the option to go against the current, but to reach that level of certainty and confidence has always been a mystery to me.
Back when I was in high school, there were three major fields that I considered as a career: Computer Science, Photography, and Journalism. I love photography, I really have a passion towards it, I really enjoy it, but it's very doubtful when it comes to being a career. I want to take pictures because it's fun, like a hobby, I don't want to depend my income with it, it defeats the whole purpose, plus I'm not good in art, never was. I appreciate good art, I can do art of my own, but I'm just not good at it. As for journalism, I like writing, it's something I really enjoy doing, and I would love to learn more about it, but I doubt my ability to exceed the requirements for any job in that field. I mean, honestly speaking, I don't have a vast vocabulary in English, I don't use bombastic words, the whole mood of my writings are very bland, I constantly make grammar mistakes, I don't attract readers, and all of the time I utter complete nonsense. I like reading, I appreciate fine writing, but I'm far from ever being satisfied with my own.
So I ended up with Computer Science, I guess I've always knew I wanted to be someone that's related to computer science, it's in my blood(figuratively speaking) my dad has a PhD in Artificial Intelligence, but my fondness towards computers has nothing to do with him, I mean of course he was one of the factors I was exposed to computer science, but I am genuinely attracted to this field, and so far I'm enjoying myself. But I'm kind of slacking in the math department and computer science has a lot to do with math, so my conversation with Shah triggered my thoughts pertaining my career path, am I really on the right track?
My mom used to always gave us the bus speech. She mentions it so much, I have the whole thing memorized.
You have to know where your destination is, then you'll know which bus to take and which route is the fastest. If you don't know where you want to go yet, you can still go on any bus that will take you anywhere, and figure out along the way. If you've already reached the destination and figured that you want to be somewhere else, you can always take a detour and head on over to your new destination. Of course, eventually you will be at the place you want to be, it's the matter of time you figured it out. If you figured it out at the start, you could save a lot of money and time with one trip. Even if I tell you where to go, if you don't want to be there, you'll end up taking a bus to wherever you want to go, so you have to figure out yourself, where you want to go, nobody else can help you with this, it's your decision.
It somehow sounded like that, basically, my parents always emphasize how important it is for me to make my own decision, and so I have. Computer Science. It's simple, it's fast, it's fun and I really think I can do this. Although my parents value my decision, they have desires of their own, they wanted me to be a doctor. It's ironic, really, they never once asked me about considering a job, and suddenly this one day my dad asked me why didn't I take medicine.
To be honest, I was quite taken aback, I hate Bio straight from my guts. Like, literally, I feel like vomiting every time there's a bio exam. It has nothing to do about cross-sectioned body parts or anything, not knowing the answers make me want to puke. Having such emotions towards a subject is overwhelming. I don't know how to describe how I loathe Bio, I just do, and for my parents to ask such question was an attack I never expected.
I also considered dropping college altogether. Face it, I'm stupid, my CGPA is so low and I'll never get a scholarship, and being my parents' financial burden is the least position I want to be, even in high school, my siblings needed hundreds for their school fee every month, and my school only needed a hundred for a year, I felt so peaceful and stress-free that I was able to breathe, and study normally. Knowing how much of a burden I'm gonna be, is just so suffocating. I mean I'd rather get married than being in debt, and for the record I really don't want to get married, so this means I really don't want to be in debt, especially from my parents. I'm always gonna be the dumbest among my siblings, it's probably better for me to just drop out of college, and start learning how to be somebody's wife. And yes, this is the last resort. For me, this is equivalent to a suicide note.
In a nutshell, there's always these roads that we need to choose, and we will forever wonder about the roads we didn't take, some continue walking, and some makes a u-turn and take that other road that kept bugging his mind. So which traveller am I? The wise one, knowing what he's doing, or the doubtful one, who makes a u-turn?