The thing about goodbyes is that it's significance is more than mere physical absence, it's the pinpoint where everything changes, that things won't ever be the same again, and you're not just saying goodbye to the person you may or may not meet again after that, but you're saying goodbye to all the memories and how things work at that time. It's the transition from one phase to another, it's a fetus saying hello to the world and deliberately saying goodbye to the womb he resided for 9 months. It's not that he's going far, the womb's still there, but it won't be the same again.
When you leave highschool (that dreadful excuse of an educational institution), you'll have reunions after that, to catch up and brag about how far you've come from a clueless classmate who always subconsciously get ink stains on her uniform into a less clueless (albeit still) functioning citizen who is capable and stuff. The sad thing about graduating is that you no longer have a reason to assemble in a class and observe teachers together, messing around bombing chalks from across the hallway, laughing over an inside joke, gossiping over the class weirdo, pooling money for the classmate who doesn't go to school and works night shifts because of family issues. There's no longer nervous laughter, unsure smiles and unsurer body movements. All the golden of youth is currently and, or will be reduced to mere acquaintances that sends once a year Raya messages (SMSes or a Facebook status mentioning everyone on their friends list, but not postal cause that shit's too time consuming and expensive)
But of course there are the people who you see even after all these years and you slip back to your old self, barely tasting the thrill of being a kid again, making dumb jokes and embarrassing you, just the way things used to be. You look at her smile, and you remember the things you used to smile about. Well these people never actually did say goodbye. Not technically.
And there are also people who do say goodbye even though they're not going anywhere, and you're not going anywhere, but along the way of staying at one place for so long, there was a variable change, and the whole universe shifted. But that's fine, change I mean, it's the only constancy that exists in everyone's life. The thing is, change is rarely impulsive, therefore there must be something (or someone) that causes it in the first place. Either the absence or the presence of it, doesn't matter. What matters is, is it for the better or the worse? I guess that's not a line I should cross. People have brains, and they have logic, so they'll know when they're morphing into a stranger, and oh so deliberately saying goodbye....right?
Which is why i seemingly overreact when the dynamics of my relationships with certain people are messed up. I really don't care about most of the things people care about (eg: hygiene, appearance, decency, etc) but I get so riled up over trivial things like how we used to decide things as a 'we', and now all of a sudden it's an 'i' and 'you',like how it used to be a roll of a tongue, and now it's a roll of an eye, like how the order of priorities are all messed up, and the logic of a situation is now just so... illogical.
I'm not good at being socially acceptable, it's something that I never quite understood and I don't think I ever will. All these rules, where did they come from and why do i have to abide them? I'm trying very hard to remember that i can't say this, and i can't do that, but in the end I give up and try to be me, cause hey, didn't pop culture taught me to have some individuality and honesty and a personality that is not derived some anyone else? but apparently people are offended by that.
You know all those talks about
'being yourself', and
'don't mind others' and
'girl, you're amazing just the way you are' ? Yeah they're pure bullshit (especially Bruno Mars) No, it's more like... you can be yourself but only if you're a model figure, with the eyes of Emma Stone, the hair of Reese Witherspoon and the brain of Oprah, who knows what to say, what not to say, and react accordingly to situations in the sub context of drama.
It seems like I have to say sorry...for what exactly? For feeling? For something that is beyond my control? I'm sorry for reacting, like I'm sorry Sodium is so responsive to Hydrogen but not Nitrogen. I'm sorry that free fall pulls me down 9.8 m/s when I jump off a building rather than sending me flying, and most of all I'm sorry that I bleed when I get stabbed, in the back or right in the heart, the fact that there's blood gushing out of me and it freaks you out.
S o r r y !
Basically, the Alderaan of my entire uniqueness is to be blasted out of existence by the death star of
social offense.
*for those who got the The Guild reference, Star Trek reference and Husbands reference, high five. For those who didn't, well, too bad.