"We both have nasty tempers, but let's quarrel less. I do love you, and within the limitations of my horrible nature, I do want to make you happy— as nearly possible, as much as the time is possible."
I've been reading Prisoner's Dilemma (the book by William Poundstone), and the more I acknowledge the history, the rise, the intelligence of Von Neumann, I just feel so tiny and incapable. I am overwhelmed by such greatness, the quality of mind that even surpasses Einstein (they were both in Princeton at the same time and still people credited Von Neumann for having the best brain in the world), and so it occurs to me how small and incapable I am, and how unfit it would be for me to even dream about going the distance.
I am not a prodigy. That is a well known fact, I'm not even remotely smart, academically or practically. But that just means I have to work extra hard, and by hard I mean full batter swing in the butt hard, cause computer organization is some serious stuff you wished you had nothing to do with. If you're not crying in pain of shedding too much blood, then you don't want it enough, and that's the only drive to ace things: wanting it enough.
But the actual sad part of the whole situation, is that even
when if I do get good grades, people would disregard all my efforts and say that I'm just smart, which is entirely inaccurate. My friends know, my teachers know, and I definitely know how bad I score in exams(in contrary to my marks in quizzes/assignments in class), so I get very stressed over exams, and I need lots of studying time, and it's the period where I don't eat, don't sleep, I puke, I have irregular bowel movements and I'm a wreck the whole time and that's the sacrifice I go through, cause that's how bad I want it, but when people just deliberately assume that I don't study and score by just understanding the concept, it rips a small part of my heart. I worked my butt off for that grade, how dare you accuse me of such lies.
I am not Von Neumann. I don't have selective hypermnesia, I can't memorize a page of a phone book in a mere 10 minutes, I don't know how to play Kriegspiel, I didn't come up with game theory, I wasn't involved with the Manhattan project, I don't have a second marriage
(at least, not yet), I don't have a dog named
'Inverse', and I certainly didn't come up with the architecture that influenced current modern computer design.
I am Naelah Nordin, and I have to work hard to achieve anything.
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If people ask me what inspires me the most, then my answer would be loneliness, neslo ais and bad grades.Labels: college, motivation, note to self