(let's just assume that the present isn't static memory, and the variable change in time consumption does not in any way expand the space-time continuum which is scientifically and logically unacceptable but is selfishly implemented in this post for the sake of a relevant title. Or you can just ignore what I said and skip to the actual post.)
I used to have these anxieties. I'll have these constant churning in my stomach and certain level of intense queasiness and a very strong urge to puke but a stronger urge to withheld. It was nothing biological, it took me a while (a couple of years as a matter of fact) to realize that I was actually going through depression.(mildly I say, my suicidal thoughts/tendencies has by then decreased to an amount that I could actually control.) Basically, I was on my toes and I couldn't calm down even though I really wanted to.
I believe that happened during certain periods of my school years. It didn't happen all the time, from what I observed, it happens typically during exams or after a big fight with one of my friends, or simply facing the social pressure of being an adolescent who wasn't exactly sure where she stood in the social pyramid. Of course, now I know. (third level down, two blocks to the right; the nerds; inbetweeners). But now I have a clearer mind
— stomach still churning but at least I have an idea of what's going on, a headstart at what's going to happen, and what to do til then. I won't go as far as claiming to have a mental disease. I'm not clinically diagnosed and I'd rather not exaggerate on the grounds that I believe people with serious mental issues suffer way more than I do.
Weirdly so, I've been though all this so frequently that when the churning starts, it's a familiar feeling that makes me feel at the same time nostalgic, and calm (in a different matter of course). I weirdly feel . . . normal, if that even makes sense. Like the whole world is shifting and things are moving and people are changing and nothing stays the same, but the churning in my stomach isn't going anywhere.
I guess it's a pathetic excuse to justify the reason why I'm not eating regularly, and even when I do eat, I don't take a proper meal: a well balanced diet with 50% green, 30%white, 20% others like I normally do during normal un-depressing days. It's a bit cliche to say exams have this effect on me, but it does, and I'm not complaining. I'm not blaming exams, it's just something inevitable that I thankfully can handle. Although, I do have to take more precaution because apparently my brain isn't align with my body during this period and I can't trust it to indicate my failing internal organs. I can handle not eating, but I can't handle sickness right now, it'll get away with my studies.
Speaking of which, my carry marks for this semester is quite surprising. ICO holds my highest chance to score an A in that subject, whereas java holds the lowest, which is lower than Accounting. I have a better chance scoring an A in Accounting rather than java, and I just find that to be pure irony. I'm working hard. My ideal target is to get 5A, 2A-, but my realistic target is 2A, 5A-, which could potentially lead to a few B+'s which I really hope doesn't happen.
Tout comprendre c'est tout pardonner.