I used to think grown-ups has everything figured out. Like there a database of life in their heads, or a well robust flow chart that ticks off possibilities to get to a solution. Swift, quick and reliable. It's when I become one myself do I realize that the entire notion was a false alarm. In fact, that would be an understatement. The more we grow up, the more we don't know what's going on.
I have 8.30 classes. Quite inevitably so. I have to actually wake up in the morning and I had mixed feelings regarding that. People were like envisioning 4 flat and Dean's List for the semester, and all I was worrying about were my attendance. I remember being 45 minutes late for my morning classes in CFS. Heck. I've been 1 hour and 40 minutes late for an 11 o'clock class before, and this was CFS!!! (i still get mocked by that event though, quite deservingly) CFS has like a 5 minute walking distance from the mahallah, here it's 15 minutes, and that's if I speedwalk.
But rest assured, things are surprisingly shaping up quite well. I'm far from being adult-ish, I can't drink coffee and my attention span is similar to a gnat's, but I'm getting there. Shaping my life I mean, it's there, somewhere, to be shaped, to be carped, and I'm here, having the urge to do so.
I sleep a lot. Waaay lot. Ain comes back from classes and upon seeing me sleep just brushes it off justifying with the 8.30 class cards (like wow, it's such a big deal). It's during these times that I realize how immature I am, mentally. Not in a sense that I act all cutesy and helplessly in front of people, it's just that I roll in my bed whining life is hard and I don't want to be an adult I want a refund. But then I get hungry and rationalize that I need to eat, and one must work to eat, and that I don't want to rely on my parents forever, I mean look at them, they don't crawl in a ball in the middle of the room on the cold mahallah tiles trying to escape the world and everything that resides in it. They work, and they work hard, and they're good at what they do, and that's exactly what I have to find. A preferred medium.
So I stand up, buy lunch, eat lunch, sleep and then get myself together and yell CARPE DIEM! as the first stem to my journey of self-discovery.
I'm entering week IV (I've done a countdown chart, look how prepared i am wut). I have a printer, a bicycle and a newly existing dignity that I have no idea of its origins, but it's here with me and I'm not letting it go anywhere.
There is a plan, a rough one but includes me thus I feel obliged to work hard for it. I guess the reason I feel confident about this is because for once someone actually has faith in me, and I have no intention to betray that. I'm not giving up on this unless you give up on me, and for once I actually didn't chicken out and ran away. For once, I actually felt that this could happen. For once, I strongly believe that there is a future (albeit a noisy one) for me, and this is it. This is the path to it.
Of course, we don't know what's going on, but that's not the matter. What matters is our effort to keep trying to get it. Stop caring means giving up. Giving up means settling down with the good-enoughs, the getting-bys and it-doesn't-get-better-than-this.
So no, I still have no idea what I'm doing. Yes, things are going pretty well, but no, I don't want to give up. Not yet. Not ever.
Labels: college, motivation, note to self